I’m pretty sure my son voted for Trump. I can’t bring myself to ask him directly, but I’m relatively sure his opinion hadn’t changed between the beer I had with him to celebrate his birthday in September and the election in November. I don’t know what he thinks of things now either – whether he regrets his vote or not. For an anti-racist, progressive transgender man such as myself, this is a gut check.
He looks at politicians with a raised eyebrow and barely contained eye-roll. He doesn’t see much honor or honesty among any of our elected officials in any capacity, and I think I may have taught him that.
We’ve spent hours over the course of his life talking about things that matter -love, honor, truthfulness, dreams, the future, critical thinking. Those are the conversations you get when you’re distilling a week’s worth of parenting into a weekend visit or dinner at Olga’s Kitchen in the mall. There’s no time for idle chatter before the inevitable drop-off at the end of the visit. Then that’s followed by the drive home with grief and regret that you didn’t get to everything. Every. Little. Thing. Because every little thing is what I missed.
As he got older, his reality parted from mine. He didn’t go to college even though he is smart enough. He couldn’t justify the debt without the guarantee of a salary that would pay for the student loans. What he did instead was follow his other parent into metal working (which is kind of bad ass anyway). He’s had a few good jobs, but a few jobs isn’t what he really wanted. It’s not what anybody really wants. But he’s a responsible, caring, funny and thoughtful man – a certain kind of happiness finds that kind of person no matter what they do for a living, and I am proud of him.
During our shared birthday beer we argued over policies and debated about candidates. We talked about schools and banks and business. We fundamentally agreed on mostly everything. He is a smart, engaged voter.
And we still came to different conclusions.
Every time I hear my friends – many of whom I respect, many of whom I have stood beside during protests, parades, marches, educational talks and author events – say they’ve blocked out everyone who voted for Trump I am gut checked.
This is a time like no other. The structure of our government is in peril. I can barely keep up with the daily onslaught of regressive, destructive mandates from a racist sociopath who surrounds himself with other racist sociopaths. I mourn because it’s evident that our country has elected a functionally illiterate celebrity to silence the press and mock and dismantle our government like it’s a reality tv show.
My social media feeds are electrified with outrage, fear and calls for resistance. There are pleas to contact representatives, calls to action, marches unlike any other in history – a collective scream and chest clutch that reaches around the globe.
And I still love my son. I think he mistook entertainment and manipulation for truth telling. I think he was conned. But I still love him, and I won’t give up the precious hours I have with him (that are now fewer and fewer) talking about things that don’t matter. And I won’t give up any time with him that I can get.
Yesterday I posted on Facebook:
– Watching a screaming man being taken away to a psych ward in leg shackles for squatting in an apartment,
– getting news of DeVos’ confirmation on the phone i took out to film in case of a violent turn of events, and
-calming a dog terrified of loud sounds
is too much for me to process at the moment. Layers of processing there.
I will say this though –
When park rangers and teachers are dissidents, we have clear and indisputable evidence of a sick society.”
My good friend Alfred replied:
“Or a society that is beginning to know where to turn to find its healing …”
This stuck with me. Another gut check. I’ll advocate. I’ll call my senators. I’ll resist. I’ll fight fascism like my life depends on it – it does.
But what it comes down to every time is the brave trust we have in each other, one on one, to take care of each other. The heroes of this story won’t be our congress or lawyers. They never have been. We are.
We have to turn to each other once again, make and keep small promises, teach the truth even if it’s dangerous, speak even if it’s softly, listen even if it’s hard – even if it hurts – and argue about the things that still matter.
But above all, if we’re going to be the heroes of our own American story, we must take leadership from others who have fought oppression for generations and learn this lesson –
Our institutions won’t save us. We the people are the only ones capable of saving ourselves. Each of us, one by one, two by two, must choose to be brave enough to keep the fabric of our common dream intact. We must fight each other like hell and choose to love each other anyway.
I think I’ll call my kid now.